Let us die a bit more
by Dantelian
Summary: He understands: Grell is right. Sooner or later they will get caught. They are walking on the edge of the abyss.   "Walking? How boring. No, Will, we are dancing, and it's our last waltz. And if suddenly we'll fall, we'll fall together. Do you promise?"
1. Chapter 1

William x Grell fanfiction.

Rate 18+

Drama/tragedy/romance/action/AU/detective story

Author: me (Dantelian)

Translater from Russian to English: Saya1984

**Chapter 1. Ashes**

_So amazed how bright are the flames We are burning in Ever smiled at the tragedies We hold inside_

"We'll get caught, Willy! They'll execute us, kill us with our own scythes!"  
>Grell Sutcliff is laughing; a thin line of someone else's blood flows from the corner of his mouth.<br>"It doesn't matter," William T. Spears licks off the ruby liquid, kisses the red lips.

Their kisses salty. Their reality bitter. Their closeness sweet. Just need to add a little spice.

"Doesn't matter?" Grell lightly pushes Spears away and looks into his eyes mischievously. "I don't believe you can think that way. Where is my proper Willy? Return him, Sir."  
>"There is still a lot you don't know about me."<br>"I yearn to learn all of your most protected secrets." Grell moans quietly, taking pleasure in the roughness and possessiveness with which William tears the clothes off him, caresses his body, makes him wholly and completely physically and mentally his.

With time this becomes usual. They can't do it in any other way only with blood, only after assignments, at the places of deaths. The more corpses the better. Grell loves to kill for the thrill of it. William doesn't understand why, and receives only an abstract "I was bored" in response. But time after time he covers for the dispatcher. It's not hard write in a couple names there, cross out a few here. His position affords it; his reputation is his cover.

Sometimes William is shocked with himself he was always a model worker, and now how simply he saves the one who violates the main duties of a reaper from liquidation. Even more frightening he violates them with him, together.

Grell Sutcliff is insane and his insanity is contagious. And Grell himself William is, for so long and so incurably, ill with him.  
>It seems that Sutcliff used some sort of magic, charmed Spears. William still can't believe that all the things he's feeling are real. That nothing and no one is forcing him to want Sutcliff like he never wanted anyone else. To adore and hate, to punish and encourage, to hit and caress, to subject and allow, to teach and to learn from.<p>

Grell, time after time, colors William's monochrome world, unchangeably giving preference to red. William doesn't feel particular fondness for blood and corpses, unlike Sutcliff, but that adrenalin, which he can get only with Grell, rips Spears from the greyness of routine days that have stretched over centuries. The feeling of danger suddenly turns into a narcotic. William likes the thought that he and Grell have this secret. They are not just lovers; they are accomplices. They play against everyone. The appeal of the game the unpredictability of its finale. In this game everything is decided: they won't become victors under any circumstance. The entertainment is extracted from the process bit by bit.

William is afraid to lose Grell. William is afraid of changes in life in general. And the constant presence of the dispatcher, and such closeness has become too habitual. Necessary. Grell is too vibrant, obsessed with freedom; it seems he will just continue hopping from one spot to another, knowing nothing constant. Once Spears believed that such a relationship as this would be enough to keep Grell with him alone. Now William doesn't know how to free Sutcliff from him. And how to let him go.

He understands: Grell is right. Sooner or later they will get caught. They are walking on the edge of the abyss. "Walking? How boring. No, Will, we are dancing, and it's our last waltz. And if suddenly we'll fall, we'll fall together. Do you promise?"  
>A hand with sharp red fingernails suddenly forcibly squeezes William's wrist. Only then Spears understands that Sutcliff is afraid of the fall.<p>

But he they can no longer stop.

***  
><em>Our misery stricken friends From a cliff will scatter us over the sea.<em>  
><em>I am ashes, you are ashes.<em>

The game ends unexpectedly. Even thought that unexpectedness was a logical outcome, the apprehension of the finale doesn't dawn instantly. But when it does, it hits like a ton of bricks. The fear is not for himself, but for the one who pulled him into that game to the death, whom he didn't stop, couldn't protect the thoughts of both are similar like never before.  
>Only an hour ago they were enjoying each other. It was as if they knew in advance that everything would be over so soon. William was strangely careful with Grell and kissed him more than usual; Grell gave himself desperately, as is appropriate for the final time.<p>

Now between them is the dirty stone floor of the cell; on their wrists handcuffs. William is calm; Grell is trembling is it from fear, anger, or powerlessness - unclear. Silence of the present presses harder than thoughts of the inevitable future. However, that no longer has anything to do with Sutcliff and Spears. Everything will come to an end here.

"How could you, Spears? With Sutcliff everything was clear long ago, but no one expected anything like this from you. Not only did you close your eyes to what was happening right under your nose, but you assisted in it."  
>William recalls the words of the director of the security services with the strange pleasure of one sentenced to death.<p>

After all, Spears is ready to admit that it was worth it. In general, William never regrets anything. And fear of the execution is not reason enough to violate his basic principle.

"Do you hate me?" Grell's quiet, breaking voice returns him to reality.

Grell. His principles remained hidden from William and worry for the dispatcher successfully stakes a claim as the main the only - emotion for the following hours how many are left?

"I never stopped hating you."  
>"Is that so." Grell smiles sadly. "For the fact that sooner or later we would be here?"<br>"For you."  
>"I ruined your career and your life."<br>"You don't really think that way. Otherwise, from your words I am a puppet-like fool, unable to make my own choices."  
>"You never change, Will. And one would think that being here could get to anyone."<br>"What about you?" The question is meaningless; all Grell's emotions are on his face. But Spears knows how important it is for Grell to share them, to say them out loud. He stops feeling lonely.  
>"I'm scared." Grell sighs and presses his forehead into the wall. "I am hella scared."<br>"I don't want you to be afraid."  
>"If you could hug me, it would be easier."<br>"Recall how I used to do it."

Grell can't remember: the fear of the unknown and inescapable is driving him crazy. If Sutcliff was here alone, he would decide to enjoy the moment one last time with all the madness characteristic to the dispatcher. He would release the situation, give in to the emotions. But William.  
>William is not like that. He was never similar to Sutcliff in anything. He doesn't belong here.<p>

There was little Grell enjoyed as much as freedom. Freedom from any dependency, yet a desire to be understood, heard, accepted. Dispatcher himself was never in the slightest frightened by that contradiction, unlike those who tried to become somebody for him. William didn't try. He just up and became one. Sutcliff didn't feel pressure or Spears's desire to put him on a short leash, and so he shortened the distance between them himself. To feel William with maximum closeness inside his own thoughts, fantasies, dreams, in his own body and soul, in his own madness. Grell was always on his own, on his own side, and it was so interesting to him what it meant to share a life between two. Now they would have to share a death between two. Probably that is how it should be, William would think. William always did everything properly, but to tie his destiny with Sutcliff here he had miscalculated.

Grell doesn't know that William chose death over the boredom that was devouring him once, a long time ago.

"You know, the scariest thing is that we have this time. As if we're supposed to repent right now." Grell sniffles. "I hate waiting. The only attractive trait in death is its unexpectedness."  
>This waiting, Sutcliff hates more than anything because it's the last. And loves it because he can spend these last minutes hours - with William.<br>"No one wants your repentance. We are here while they are collecting all the necessary paperwork."  
>"Paperwork?" Grell frowns. "They caught us at the crime scene. It's more likely they are coming up with the most twisted way to kill us."<br>"They won't kill us."  
>Grell turns his head sharply and curves his brow.<br>"What do you mean won't kill us? Leave us to rot in jail forever?"  
>"The death sentence was canceled 18 years ago."<br>"Why didn't I know about this?"  
>"Because politics isn't in your sphere of interest and gossip in the dispatch corridors was devoted to more trivial matters."<br>"Not that the reason for cancelation would be very interesting to me in my present situation, but "  
>"A rather influential political figure was caught. They didn't spend much time investigating executed him almost instantly. And a few days later the real culprit was found. The followers of the executed man started a riot."<br>"I couldn't have missed something like that, Will!"  
>"You were on Earth at that time. I sent you there."<br>"For six months?"  
>"Yes, that time. Everything was going to hell here back then."<br>"Why didn't they just extend the period of investigation?"  
>"In case of a mistake a reaper can't be brought back to life. It was decided that there should always be the possibility of return, even when the guilt was proven."<br>"So what will happen to us?"Grell swallows with difficulty.  
>"We will be deported to Earth."<br>Grell looks at him, not understanding. He loves going to Earth. What sort of punishment is that?  
>"As humans," continues Spears. "I ran into deported before. They don't remember anything, know nothing about our world. A fake life is created for them, false memories and a past from the moment of birth to the awakening after the death of a reaper. It seems to them that they lived like regular humans."<br>"Impossible." Sutcliff is scared even more than he was in all of the previous time. "To forget who you were, who you are, but to continue existing?"  
>"You will live a regular mortal life. You were talking of the only attractive quality of death? I will tell you of its greatest detriment the unknown that follows it. And we are devoid of that unknown."<br>But Grell doesn't seem to hear, he's obsessed with one thought, one salvation.  
>"Didn't anyone ever remember who he was in reality?"<br>"They say it happened once or twice. But those are rumors, with no facts to support them. They work on the memories thoroughly."  
>"Where will we end up, Will? Where will we be?"<br>"I don't know. Maybe in the same town, maybe at the opposite ends of the planet. As far as I remember, no one controls the territorial scatter."  
>"No." Grell shakes his head. "To know that you're somewhere "<br>"You won't remember me. Or anything."  
>"I don't want to live someone else's life! I don't even know what they will leave for me of myself."<br>William shrugs.  
>"At least you'll live."<br>"I prefer death."  
>William doesn't think so, but doesn't say anything in response.<br>"I don't want without you," whispers Grell, clenching the chain from the handcuffs in his hand.  
>At that moment a guard comes to the door of their cell.<br>"Up and out."  
>Grell doesn't pay attention, just continues to pierce the rising William with his eyes.<br>"I will find you, William! Do you hear me? Wherever you are, whoever you become, I will definitely find you."  
>"Do you believe that?" Spears says with just his lips.<br>"We both must believe." Grell is almost screaming after William, who is being led away down a corridor and into darkness.

They are read their sentence. And the two as if conspired: they don't look at anyone, only at each other. Grell is shaking the fear didn't go anywhere. These are the last minutes of his conscious life. But he is smiling. He believes that he will find William. That everything isn't over for them. William believes in Grell's faith. He can't feel it himself, but the other's hope is enough for him.

At the end of the hearing they are immediately led to the place of execution.  
>Grell imagined something at least a little more interesting than a regular chair with a knot of cables on it, leading to some radars and strange devices. Sutcliff couldn't deny himself fantasized images of some brightly glowing portal or a gateway, walking through which he would find himself on Earth. But everything turned out to be a lot more banal and simple.<br>Just to William's taste, thinks Grell.

Handcuffs are taken off. Sutcliff takes a step toward Spears, and no one even stops them. The guards are around them, specialists are activating the machine.

"We won't disappear, Will. We are, we will be," whispers Grell.  
>"Mortal, Grell."<p>

They both understand what that means: even if they find each other, they have to be ready to lose each other again. And forever. Vanished memories should rid them of this pain. Should they at least believe in that?

Hand in hand like a pact. They are accomplices once again.

Grell smiles almost happily. Spears understands that he wants to see that smile again and again.  
>"So we will meet where it all began. In London. Remember that." William is so familiarly strict, so habitually squeezes his hand, stroking the knuckles tenderly, that Grell is almost no longer scared.<p>

And he's glad that they take him first he wouldn't want to see William's execution.

Grell tries to think only of that place that united them both, where they will definitely meet again. His life as a reaper will end with this sole thought, what if it will transfer to that human one too?

They hook up cables to his body, put something on his head, and he can no longer see anything.  
>The last thing that the death god Grell Sutcliff feels the strongest electric current. The pain consumes his whole body, to the tips of his hair, Grell screams, he's tossed and thrown in his seat and these seconds turn to hours. A thought flashes that William deceived him could it be possible to survive after such pain?<p>

William holds his breath and only allows himself to exhale after Grell's limp body is taken from the chair. Everything is over for him.  
>Spears has an approximate understanding of the procedure just now Sutcliff was deprived of all his memories, he is just an empty, spiritless shell. Grell will be taken to another place, where he will be stuffed there's no other word for it with false memory. And after, the body will be sent to Earth.<p>

Spears feels that he has already experienced all that pain, watching Sutcliff.  
>And so William is silent. He thinks only about the foggy London and about how he isn't going to lose or release Sutcliff in any of his lives.<p>

to be continued


	2. Chapter 2

William x Grell fanfiction.

Rate 18+

Drama/tragedy/romance/action/AU/detective story

Author: me (Dantelian)

Translater from Russian to English: Saya1984

**Chapter 1. Ashes**

_So amazed how bright are the flames We are burning in Ever smiled at the tragedies We hold inside_

"We'll get caught, Willy! They'll execute us, kill us with our own scythes!"  
>Grell Sutcliff is laughing; a thin line of someone else's blood flows from the corner of his mouth.<br>"It doesn't matter," William T. Spears licks off the ruby liquid, kisses the red lips.

Their kisses salty. Their reality bitter. Their closeness sweet. Just need to add a little spice.

"Doesn't matter?" Grell lightly pushes Spears away and looks into his eyes mischievously. "I don't believe you can think that way. Where is my proper Willy? Return him, Sir."  
>"There is still a lot you don't know about me."<br>"I yearn to learn all of your most protected secrets." Grell moans quietly, taking pleasure in the roughness and possessiveness with which William tears the clothes off him, caresses his body, makes him wholly and completely physically and mentally his.

With time this becomes usual. They can't do it in any other way only with blood, only after assignments, at the places of deaths. The more corpses the better. Grell loves to kill for the thrill of it. William doesn't understand why, and receives only an abstract "I was bored" in response. But time after time he covers for the dispatcher. It's not hard write in a couple names there, cross out a few here. His position affords it; his reputation is his cover.

Sometimes William is shocked with himself he was always a model worker, and now how simply he saves the one who violates the main duties of a reaper from liquidation. Even more frightening he violates them with him, together.

Grell Sutcliff is insane and his insanity is contagious. And Grell himself William is, for so long and so incurably, ill with him.  
>It seems that Sutcliff used some sort of magic, charmed Spears. William still can't believe that all the things he's feeling are real. That nothing and no one is forcing him to want Sutcliff like he never wanted anyone else. To adore and hate, to punish and encourage, to hit and caress, to subject and allow, to teach and to learn from.<p>

Grell, time after time, colors William's monochrome world, unchangeably giving preference to red. William doesn't feel particular fondness for blood and corpses, unlike Sutcliff, but that adrenalin, which he can get only with Grell, rips Spears from the greyness of routine days that have stretched over centuries. The feeling of danger suddenly turns into a narcotic. William likes the thought that he and Grell have this secret. They are not just lovers; they are accomplices. They play against everyone. The appeal of the game the unpredictability of its finale. In this game everything is decided: they won't become victors under any circumstance. The entertainment is extracted from the process bit by bit.

William is afraid to lose Grell. William is afraid of changes in life in general. And the constant presence of the dispatcher, and such closeness has become too habitual. Necessary. Grell is too vibrant, obsessed with freedom; it seems he will just continue hopping from one spot to another, knowing nothing constant. Once Spears believed that such a relationship as this would be enough to keep Grell with him alone. Now William doesn't know how to free Sutcliff from him. And how to let him go.

He understands: Grell is right. Sooner or later they will get caught. They are walking on the edge of the abyss. "Walking? How boring. No, Will, we are dancing, and it's our last waltz. And if suddenly we'll fall, we'll fall together. Do you promise?"  
>A hand with sharp red fingernails suddenly forcibly squeezes William's wrist. Only then Spears understands that Sutcliff is afraid of the fall.<p>

But he they can no longer stop.

***  
><em>Our misery stricken friends From a cliff will scatter us over the sea.<em>  
><em>I am ashes, you are ashes.<em>

The game ends unexpectedly. Even thought that unexpectedness was a logical outcome, the apprehension of the finale doesn't dawn instantly. But when it does, it hits like a ton of bricks. The fear is not for himself, but for the one who pulled him into that game to the death, whom he didn't stop, couldn't protect the thoughts of both are similar like never before.  
>Only an hour ago they were enjoying each other. It was as if they knew in advance that everything would be over so soon. William was strangely careful with Grell and kissed him more than usual; Grell gave himself desperately, as is appropriate for the final time.<p>

Now between them is the dirty stone floor of the cell; on their wrists handcuffs. William is calm; Grell is trembling is it from fear, anger, or powerlessness - unclear. Silence of the present presses harder than thoughts of the inevitable future. However, that no longer has anything to do with Sutcliff and Spears. Everything will come to an end here.

"How could you, Spears? With Sutcliff everything was clear long ago, but no one expected anything like this from you. Not only did you close your eyes to what was happening right under your nose, but you assisted in it."  
>William recalls the words of the director of the security services with the strange pleasure of one sentenced to death.<p>

After all, Spears is ready to admit that it was worth it. In general, William never regrets anything. And fear of the execution is not reason enough to violate his basic principle.

"Do you hate me?" Grell's quiet, breaking voice returns him to reality.

Grell. His principles remained hidden from William and worry for the dispatcher successfully stakes a claim as the main the only - emotion for the following hours how many are left?

"I never stopped hating you."  
>"Is that so." Grell smiles sadly. "For the fact that sooner or later we would be here?"<br>"For you."  
>"I ruined your career and your life."<br>"You don't really think that way. Otherwise, from your words I am a puppet-like fool, unable to make my own choices."  
>"You never change, Will. And one would think that being here could get to anyone."<br>"What about you?" The question is meaningless; all Grell's emotions are on his face. But Spears knows how important it is for Grell to share them, to say them out loud. He stops feeling lonely.  
>"I'm scared." Grell sighs and presses his forehead into the wall. "I am hella scared."<br>"I don't want you to be afraid."  
>"If you could hug me, it would be easier."<br>"Recall how I used to do it."

Grell can't remember: the fear of the unknown and inescapable is driving him crazy. If Sutcliff was here alone, he would decide to enjoy the moment one last time with all the madness characteristic to the dispatcher. He would release the situation, give in to the emotions. But William.  
>William is not like that. He was never similar to Sutcliff in anything. He doesn't belong here.<p>

There was little Grell enjoyed as much as freedom. Freedom from any dependency, yet a desire to be understood, heard, accepted. Dispatcher himself was never in the slightest frightened by that contradiction, unlike those who tried to become somebody for him. William didn't try. He just up and became one. Sutcliff didn't feel pressure or Spears's desire to put him on a short leash, and so he shortened the distance between them himself. To feel William with maximum closeness inside his own thoughts, fantasies, dreams, in his own body and soul, in his own madness. Grell was always on his own, on his own side, and it was so interesting to him what it meant to share a life between two. Now they would have to share a death between two. Probably that is how it should be, William would think. William always did everything properly, but to tie his destiny with Sutcliff here he had miscalculated.

Grell doesn't know that William chose death over the boredom that was devouring him once, a long time ago.

"You know, the scariest thing is that we have this time. As if we're supposed to repent right now." Grell sniffles. "I hate waiting. The only attractive trait in death is its unexpectedness."  
>This waiting, Sutcliff hates more than anything because it's the last. And loves it because he can spend these last minutes hours - with William.<br>"No one wants your repentance. We are here while they are collecting all the necessary paperwork."  
>"Paperwork?" Grell frowns. "They caught us at the crime scene. It's more likely they are coming up with the most twisted way to kill us."<br>"They won't kill us."  
>Grell turns his head sharply and curves his brow.<br>"What do you mean won't kill us? Leave us to rot in jail forever?"  
>"The death sentence was canceled 18 years ago."<br>"Why didn't I know about this?"  
>"Because politics isn't in your sphere of interest and gossip in the dispatch corridors was devoted to more trivial matters."<br>"Not that the reason for cancelation would be very interesting to me in my present situation, but "  
>"A rather influential political figure was caught. They didn't spend much time investigating executed him almost instantly. And a few days later the real culprit was found. The followers of the executed man started a riot."<br>"I couldn't have missed something like that, Will!"  
>"You were on Earth at that time. I sent you there."<br>"For six months?"  
>"Yes, that time. Everything was going to hell here back then."<br>"Why didn't they just extend the period of investigation?"  
>"In case of a mistake a reaper can't be brought back to life. It was decided that there should always be the possibility of return, even when the guilt was proven."<br>"So what will happen to us?"Grell swallows with difficulty.  
>"We will be deported to Earth."<br>Grell looks at him, not understanding. He loves going to Earth. What sort of punishment is that?  
>"As humans," continues Spears. "I ran into deported before. They don't remember anything, know nothing about our world. A fake life is created for them, false memories and a past from the moment of birth to the awakening after the death of a reaper. It seems to them that they lived like regular humans."<br>"Impossible." Sutcliff is scared even more than he was in all of the previous time. "To forget who you were, who you are, but to continue existing?"  
>"You will live a regular mortal life. You were talking of the only attractive quality of death? I will tell you of its greatest detriment the unknown that follows it. And we are devoid of that unknown."<br>But Grell doesn't seem to hear, he's obsessed with one thought, one salvation.  
>"Didn't anyone ever remember who he was in reality?"<br>"They say it happened once or twice. But those are rumors, with no facts to support them. They work on the memories thoroughly."  
>"Where will we end up, Will? Where will we be?"<br>"I don't know. Maybe in the same town, maybe at the opposite ends of the planet. As far as I remember, no one controls the territorial scatter."  
>"No." Grell shakes his head. "To know that you're somewhere "<br>"You won't remember me. Or anything."  
>"I don't want to live someone else's life! I don't even know what they will leave for me of myself."<br>William shrugs.  
>"At least you'll live."<br>"I prefer death."  
>William doesn't think so, but doesn't say anything in response.<br>"I don't want without you," whispers Grell, clenching the chain from the handcuffs in his hand.  
>At that moment a guard comes to the door of their cell.<br>"Up and out."  
>Grell doesn't pay attention, just continues to pierce the rising William with his eyes.<br>"I will find you, William! Do you hear me? Wherever you are, whoever you become, I will definitely find you."  
>"Do you believe that?" Spears says with just his lips.<br>"We both must believe." Grell is almost screaming after William, who is being led away down a corridor and into darkness.

They are read their sentence. And the two as if conspired: they don't look at anyone, only at each other. Grell is shaking the fear didn't go anywhere. These are the last minutes of his conscious life. But he is smiling. He believes that he will find William. That everything isn't over for them. William believes in Grell's faith. He can't feel it himself, but the other's hope is enough for him.

At the end of the hearing they are immediately led to the place of execution.  
>Grell imagined something at least a little more interesting than a regular chair with a knot of cables on it, leading to some radars and strange devices. Sutcliff couldn't deny himself fantasized images of some brightly glowing portal or a gateway, walking through which he would find himself on Earth. But everything turned out to be a lot more banal and simple.<br>Just to William's taste, thinks Grell.

Handcuffs are taken off. Sutcliff takes a step toward Spears, and no one even stops them. The guards are around them, specialists are activating the machine.

"We won't disappear, Will. We are, we will be," whispers Grell.  
>"Mortal, Grell."<p>

They both understand what that means: even if they find each other, they have to be ready to lose each other again. And forever. Vanished memories should rid them of this pain. Should they at least believe in that?

Hand in hand like a pact. They are accomplices once again.

Grell smiles almost happily. Spears understands that he wants to see that smile again and again.  
>"So we will meet where it all began. In London. Remember that." William is so familiarly strict, so habitually squeezes his hand, stroking the knuckles tenderly, that Grell is almost no longer scared.<p>

And he's glad that they take him first he wouldn't want to see William's execution.

Grell tries to think only of that place that united them both, where they will definitely meet again. His life as a reaper will end with this sole thought, what if it will transfer to that human one too?

They hook up cables to his body, put something on his head, and he can no longer see anything.  
>The last thing that the death god Grell Sutcliff feels the strongest electric current. The pain consumes his whole body, to the tips of his hair, Grell screams, he's tossed and thrown in his seat and these seconds turn to hours. A thought flashes that William deceived him could it be possible to survive after such pain?<p>

William holds his breath and only allows himself to exhale after Grell's limp body is taken from the chair. Everything is over for him.  
>Spears has an approximate understanding of the procedure just now Sutcliff was deprived of all his memories, he is just an empty, spiritless shell. Grell will be taken to another place, where he will be stuffed there's no other word for it with false memory. And after, the body will be sent to Earth.<p>

Spears feels that he has already experienced all that pain, watching Sutcliff.  
>And so William is silent. He thinks only about the foggy London and about how he isn't going to lose or release Sutcliff in any of his lives.<p>

to be continued


End file.
